Just you wait...You'll see. You'll ALL see!

It's inevitable. It will happen one day and then you will know. You will find yourself with four small creatures that you created by your own free will and choice. These creatures will start out tiny and helpless and cute. This is their way of tricking you. You will feed them. They will get bigger. And then the creatures will begin to argue with you. They will talk back. They will demand things. They will draw with sharpie on your favorite living room chair. You will make threats. They will throw their heads back in laughter at your threats. You will do something you promised the universe you would never do. You will say things your mother used to say. These phrases might include: "You are suffering the consequences of your own actions" and "I brought you into this world, I can take you out!" They will jump on you and pull your hair in response. They will tell people at church that you didn't answer the door when the doorbell rang yesterday because you were naked. They will scream at the grocery store at the top of their lungs "Help! This is not my mommy!" There will be many more antics, but I will not go into that now because I wouldn't want to depress or frighten you.

One day you will walk through your once quiet and calm home. There will be globs of toothpaste on the bathroom counter. There will be red crayon on the walls of your hallway. There will be clothes that were freshly folded only two hours before scattered all over the laundry room floor and the basket they were in will have turned into a "boat" somewhere else in the house. There will be dried juice on the kitchen floor that makes your shoes stick. There will be tiny hair bows of every shape and size tucked in the sofa crevices. There will be a Dora doll wearing your husbands garment top and your $80 glasses sitting on the sharpie chair mocking you with her permanent smile. And then you will make your way to the creatures' head quarters where you may or may not still be able to see a bed. You will wander into the creature's lair, but this is a mistake because you will step on a tiny black Lego that with jab so far into the bottom of your foot that it pierces your sole. You will want to scream naughty words at the top of your lungs but you will stifle your scream because of all the "little ears" that are surely lurking nearby. Instead you will bite your fist and squeak out a small cry. It is a cry for help but no one will hear you. At this point you will turn around and see your husband standing in the doorway. He will have a look of despair and confusion on his face that mirrors yours. You will stand side by side taking it in in total silence (aside from the screaming and complete chaos taking place in the living room as the creatures dance to the music of "The Wiggles" who you vow to strangle should you ever meet in person). You will look into each others eyes and there will be no need for words. Your minds will communicate with one other. First his brain will say, "What have we done?" and then yours will say, "I don't know, but it's too late now." and then his brain will say, "It's never too late! I've heard of gypsies who come through town and buy children. It's worth looking into." Suddenly a wave of motivation mixed with the devil's rage will surge through both your veins and you will summonthe creatures in your most intimidating voice. You will stand in the doorway with your hands on your hips and shout out commands pointing wildly at the mess. The creatures will put up a fight. There will be stomping of feet and gnashing of teeth. The air will be thick with defiance, but this is a fight you MUST win. They will sulk in the tub after losing "The Cleaning of the Room Battle of '09". They will pout begrudgingly as you scrub them clean of all the filth. You will silently attempt to scrub off some of the naughtiness in the process. This attempt will be in vain. You will help the creatures say their prayers by having them say things like, "Please help us to be gentle and loving and to obey mommy and daddy." This attempt will also be in vain. The creatures will eventually fall asleep but not before goofing around for half an hour, falling off the bed, and demanding a Hello Kitty band aid be applied to a patch of perfectly healthy skin. You and your husband will collapse on the sofa. You will lay there limp and expressionless for an hour. And then the unexplainable will happen. It always does. You will actually begin to MISS the creatures! Why would you do it? So you will stealthfully sneak into each one of their freshly tidied bedrooms and hover over their beds. You will watch the newly bathed peaceful creatures as they sleep. You will say words like "angels" and "sweet". You will ooh and aah and pat one another on the back at your perfect little masterpieces. Then the little fat one will stir, threatening to awaken and you will tear out of there so fast your head will spin. Your heart will be pounding with fear and terror. This serves you right.

I wish you all the best of luck with this very special and obnoxious rite of passage. Later you can ask me who stole my brain straight out of my head when the decision is inevitably made to expand the creatures' numbers to five.

The Hammer

I never really fancied myself as the as an authoritarian or just a big meanie. And most of the time I'm not. I'm just a big lovable teddy bear who melts when he sees his two little girls. Ok, that's not totally true. I don't really melt when they take a razor to my computer monitor, pour paint all over themselves, put my phone in the toilet, jump head first into my privates, dump all the body wash into the tub... need I say more. BUT.... I usually am just a big furry (except on top of my head) lovable, Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent. Wait a minute, that's a scout. I guess I'm one of those too. But I digress...
In a nutshell, I'm pretty mellow most of the time. Well, most of the time comes to an abrupt end at bed time. In an instant, I go from being fun lovable dad... and into... THE HAMMER. I don't know what it is about bed time that makes me so crazy. I guess I just like to have every thing orderly and expeditiously. So when I go to bed, I don't really like to hear the following: 1) I forgot to do my homework (here's the kicker) and it's going to take me an hour. 2) I forgot about my science project that will require you to run around town like a mad man till midnight tonight to make it happen. And to a lesser degree: 3) I forgot to brush my teeth. 4) Can I get a drink. 5) I forgot to eat dinner. 6) I want another story. 7) Kaden's touching me. 8) Brianna won't let me have the book. .. yada yada. I could go on for pages. I suppose that if those things were the exception to the rule, it probably wouldn't bug me. But the fact that they happen.... every... night... drive... me to the... brink ... o f s a n i t yyyy. And probably just a teensy weensy bit over. I find my self just repeating over and over,"Just go to bed". The way I say it changes as the night goes on though. It starts out very polite. "Please small child, just go to bed cherished little one". Then a little bit annoyed, "Will you just go to bed already". Then just a touch of the Hammer, "GO TO BED NOW!". And finally, with a faint sob,"for the love of all that is good in this world, please go to bed before go into a full nervous break down". Once my children have seen that they have taken me through this gamet of emotion, they dutifully go to bed. "No more damage can be inflicted tonight" is what they whisper to each other...
Anyway.. last night was one of those nights when they were just getting on my last nerve. Sophia and Emmy were just playing non-stop in thier bed and wouldn't go to sleep. So I took Sophie and laid her on the floor in our room and told her to go to sleep. After just a second, she started to cry and begged "The Hammer" to let her lay down with mommy. Oh, and she also said something about some stupid spider... like that would matter to a 3 year old that is terrified of spiders. Just man up and go to sleep!! The following was recounted to me by a patient loving wife trying to teach me something. After I left the room, Sophia began to sing softly "Follow the Prophet" over and over again. You see, mommy had taugh Sophia to sing a hymn when she was really scared... Susi called Sophia to the bed and brushed away her fears and rocked her to sleep. It was at this point that I realized that I needed to change my approach a little bit to putting the kids to sleep. I get so wrapped up in making sure they are sleeping, I stop listening to them and ignoring what they are telling me. When I do listen to the, hold them, read them stories and am patient with them, they go to sleep wonderfully. The Hammer realized that he needed to drop the tough guy act and just love the kiddies at bed time. makes a huge differnence. Anyway, that's about enough...

Update!

I just know all of you were waiting anxiously for another post about my diet so here it goes. I've lost 17 lbs. so far. The diet is hard! But I think the hardest thing has been my cravings! I'm not hungry but, I'm always craving stuff I can't have. Making food for the family is hard too. I have to sit at the dinner table and watch them eat the delicious meals I prepare for them, and stare at my pitiful plate of chicken and vegetables. When all I really want to do is steal food off their plate and stuff my face.
But, I have to remind myself that the end result will be well worth it. Right? Please say "yes". Nothing taste as good as skinny feels. At least thats what they say. But I'm not too discouraged. I've lost 13 inches of my body. And trying on clothes is actually a little more fun. I'm liking what I see in the mirror.
So on to the next 17 lbs. Wish me luck!